Undisclosed Desires
by Alex Prosper
Summary: Graham/Setsuna. At age twenty, dregs of Setsuna's past conditioning and trauma dictates his social life. A chance encounter with an old enemy is about to change that. Graham Aker is the most passionate man in the Union.


**Disclaimer: **I own absolutely nothing and make no profit off this story.

**Warnings:** SPOILERS.

Chapter One

Wrapping his scarf around his lower face to shield it from the night's biting cold, he turned the corner of a shabby building into a narrow, dingy alley, eyes shifting over every corner and crevice with practiced swiftness. Setsuna searched for any signs of danger among the shadows. There should not be any, this was not a mission, but better safe than sorry. Noting with satisfaction that he was alone, he set a quick pace towards his destination. The entrance should be behind the last building to his left facing the end of a street on the other side of the alley, according to Lyle's directions.

Not for the first time, Setsuna wondered how the man new of such places. It was not a questionably legal joint; people that frequented it just enjoyed their anonymity and it was the perfect place for members of Celestial Being to _take a breather_, as Lyle put it.

The heavy iron door gave a deep creak as he opened it, filling Setsuna's ears with indistinguishable chatter and his nostrils with smoke and human rank from a closed up room brimming with sweaty people. He hated it; the smell, the noise, the boisterous sounds of a lively crowd, but he would go through with it. Lyle said it would help him relax—and that it was about time. He was twenty years old, a fully grown man.

Setsuna kept his expression taut, gulping down a nervous lump from being in close confines with so many people as he stepped into the dimly-lit pub. A slight crease between his eyes made him unapproachable though he should have been trying to appear the opposite; but he could not help his instinct to immediately put up defenses in crowded areas. He had a strong urge to turn back. The probability of succeeding was low anyway. He would have enjoyed better the comfort of his temporary apartment he shared with Lyle in Pocitos, reading a book. Or maybe he should have gone out for a cup of coffee in one of the European style coffee chops of Montevideo, which were lovely and coquettish, and their Italian coffees some of the best he'd ever tasted.

Yes, that prospect appealed to him far better than a crowded, hot, smoky bar.

But Lyle said…Setsuna blushed at the memory as he found a fairly isolated place at the very end of the bar and sat on a backed stool. He did not bother to take off his leather jacket or scarf, tense and ready to bolt out of there. Taking in a steady breath, he looked over at the assortment of liquor on the opposite wall with determination.

The drinking age in Uruguay had always been eighteen, as it was in most countries aside from the United States and some Middle Eastern nations. Also, no one asked for IDs in that particular pub since it was a haven for former Federation insurgents. Setsuna would have no problem ordering any strong beverages.

But he was no drinker. He had tried a few things before; wine, beer, martinis and even vodka, and found them all bitter and unpalatable. According to Lyle, Setsuna should not be buying drinks for himself anyway. The reminder made him shift on his stool nervously. He fixed his stare on the green countertop, bordered by polished wood to protect costumers from having anything spilled over them by some clumsy drunkard, and wondered how that night would end.

Again, chances of success were very low. He would probably sit there, look like a fool, get up and go back home to bed.

He could not do this. Why was it necessary anyway? It was so stupid. How could he let himself be convinced by Lyle? The man might be as easy-going as his late older brother, but he had neither the level of kindness or patience that Lockon would have had.

Lockon…Setsuna frowned as he felt a pang in his chest at the thought of his friend. It had been four years but he stilled grieved the loss. Lockon would have never egged him on like this. He would have teased Setsuna like Lyle had, but then he would have laughed, patted his shoulder like a protective older brother and said, _"Don't worry about it. You don't like to be touched easily right? So just wait until you are comfortable with it."_

But Lyle was different, Setsuna mused as he recalled his words; _"Kid, you're twenty years old. Time to experience riding in other things besides your Gundam, eh," _he had said with a wink and a glint of malice in his eyes.

Setsuna suspected that Lyle still resented him for killing Anew.

"Che, nene? Estas en la Tierra?"

Jolted from his revere, he looked up at the thirty-something bartender with a pleasant, if somewhat plain face and tawny hair. The man had spoken in Castilian.

"Tu orden?"

"Uh…" Setsuna really could not do this. "Nothing, I'm leaving," he answered coldly in English, stood up and left without looking at anyone. Eye contact could be perceived as an invitation to approach him and what he wanted was to be left alone.

So what if he was a virgin?

* * *

"Who would have known a hard-ass like you would be such a pansy when it comes to sex," Lyle said with a mocking laugh, sprawling on a loveseat the next afternoon. The older man had returned a few hours ago, having been out all night, most likely in some woman's company, and Setsuna had had the pleasure of keeping the quiet apartment to himself all day.

He wished it would have remained so. He knew Lyle would question him and upon hearing the answer, tease him ruthlessly. Not like Lockon at all.

_This man isn't Lockon._

They were lounging on plush couches in their living quarters, a spacious room with large windows giving them a splendid view of the South Atlantic beyond the boulevard across their building. The pale walls reflected the bright light making everything look warm and peaceful. It brought much more comfort to Setsuna than that pub from last night.

But Lyle, as predicted, was not going to let him off the hook.

"Look," Setsuna said, voice tinged with irritation, "I don't see what the big deal is. It's not like it's a necessary part of life—such things just cause more complications anyway."

Lyle gaped at him from across the coffee table, arms draped over the back of the loveseat. "Not a big deal? Not necessary? Bloody hell, lad, you have much to learn! Look, I'll come with you this time. I know you're a social disaster so I should've known better than to let you go alone. _You _engaging a conversation with a girl would be too much to hope for."

Setsuna frowned at him.

"Aw, c'mon! Don't look at me like that! I promise you won't regret it. And it might make you less cranky."

"I'm not cranky."

"You're always tense. You won't even let anyone give you a massage. What is up with the _no touching _policy of yours? You have to let loose once in a while, man."

"No."

Lyle rolled his eyes and stood up. "Have it your way. Our little vacation is about to be over and who knows when you'll have the next opportunity." He turned on his heels and headed for the front door. "I'm heading out. If you change your mind, I'll be there," he said turning the door knob before he stopped, and looked over his shoulder. "You know, Sets, there's nothing better to make you forget than a woman's touch. Her voice, her skin…it's all you focus on and for a moment you can imagine being a normal man." With that he stepped out and closed the door behind him.

Setsuna sunk further into the plush couch, mulling over his comrade's words. "A normal man, huh?"

Lyle coped with the loss of Anew and his family by throwing himself into the arms of strange women, and clearly thought Setsuna should best cope the same way.

It was all so stupid.

But, oddly enough, Setsuna found himself retracing last night's steps to the pub.

He spotted Lyle at the center of the bar, already flirting with a young slender Uruguayan woman with long chestnut brown hair. As he got closer he heard her talking in broken English, to which Lyle replied that her accent was "incredibly sexy".

Setsuna did not want to interrupt so he headed for a more emptied spot—the one at the end, next to the back door he had sat at last night. He did not get very far.

"Hey, Sets, where are you going? Come here!"

Not being one to express his agitation outwardly, Setsuna held back a distressed groan, wondering again why he always listened to that man. Was it because he missed Lockon? Did he feel guilty for taking Anew's life right in front of Lyle's eyes? Did he feel obliged by these feelings?

"Yeah," he answered once he stood in front of Lyle and his temporary companion. It made his stomach churn, the thought of using women in this way. He supposed some of his old traditions were still engraved in him.

"I want you to meet Cecilia. Cessy, this is my friend, Setsuna. I have no idea why his name is Japanese either," he stated with a chuckle as if he had read Cecilia's mind perfectly.

She acknowledged him with a polite smile and Setsuna answered it with a cold, "Hi there."

Lyle leaned over and whispered, "Smile a little, Sets, geez!"

Setsuna sighed. He should have stayed home.

He took a seat next to Lyle, ignoring him as he conversed, drank and laughed with his lady friend. Lyle had ordered a bottle of red wine and three wine glasses. The bottle was soon emptied but Setsuna was still on his first, still full. He glared at it, berating himself again for coming. He just was no good with this type of thing.

He was so deep in brooding that he did not realized he had become the topic of conversation between Lyle and Cecilia until he felt a gentle touch on his upper arm. That sent all his inner alarms blaring and he quickly snatched his arm away, turning his head with every intention to growl at the person who dared invade his personal space. He caught himself looking at Cecilia's surprised countenance.

"I am so sorry. Did I startle you?"

With a small frown between his eyes, Setsuna shook his head. "No…but please don't do that again."

A loud sigh from Lyle's direction had them both look his way. The man stood, and with a smirk, grabbed Setsuna's arm, pulling him out of his seat. "Grab your jacket. We're leaving," he said. "If we wait until you acquire some people skills, by some miracle, then you'll never get laid."

Quite suddenly Setsuna felt his whole face grow hot, and he could not stop himself from goggling at the man's audacity. "W-what!"

"C'mon. Cessy here is going to help."

Setsuna felt humiliated, embarrassed and enraged, but, as always, as life had taught him, he refused to express these feelings and allowed himself to be manipulated out of the pub.

It was only a few blocks from their apartment building. As he was dragged behind Lyle into the elevator that would take them to their floor, with the strange woman in tow, Setsuna wondered what would happen once they got to their apartment. How would this day end?

He had a pretty accurate idea but how would he handle it?

_Sex. _He was aware that many people—no, pretty much everyone would find it so bizarre that he had never even touched himself, that he would probably be called a liar. Lyle himself had not believed him when Setsuna finally caved in to the man's interrogations and told him.

Even though he did not believe in God anymore, the idea that self-pleasure was dirty was carved into him. Because of hormones during puberty, he had almost masturbated once, a long time ago, before coming to Celestial Being; and then a few more times over the years. Intellectually, he knew there was nothing wrong with it, that touching one's self was perfectly natural and the teachings of the Koran were conditioning bullshit. But he had never seen the acts through. He felt disgusted by self-pleasring, which he found bitterly amusing since he had not a shred of religious hogwash left in his perspective of the world.

He _should _feel comfortable with the idea.

But when his warm palm came into contact with his manhood, and that oddly pleasing sensation tingled below his belly, his thoughts would be driven back to his old life in Krugis, his family and friends. His father telling him how important it was that a man's seed not to be wasted in sinful urges, and how his body was a temple harboring his soul, neither of which should be sullied. Setsuna did not believe in that, however, those flashbacks were enough to discourage him from continuing.

The elevator doors opened and Lyle let them down the hall. The walk seemed to take longer than usual. The jingling of keys was heard, the clicking of one being inserted, another click and the door was unlocked. There was a strong arm around his shoulders. Since when was Lyle so big? For the first time, Setsuna realized how much smaller he was.

That was when it came to him; his situation and what Lyle intended to have him do. He was scared.

Another click. This time the light switch. There were more clicks…more like clacks…the woman's heels.

The arm around his shoulder brought him closer to Lyle, Setsuna's chest beneath the taller man's. Feeling the hard abdominal muscles against his ribs, Setsuna felt something in his stomach jump at the contact, his ears burning. It became worse when Lyle's chest came down to touch his own, as he bent over to whisper in his ear, forcing him to suppress a shudder.

"Hey, relax. This will feel good and you'll thank me later. That frown you always wear might even disappear for once. And don't worry about screwing up. Cessy will take good care of you."

At the mention of the woman, the heat on his face and the pleasant tingling in his stomach vanished, replaced by revulsion and cold sweat. The comfort of Lyle's arm left him suddenly and he was left alone in the apartment with that woman.

This time Setsuna did not bother to stop a groan of distress.

The sound of the door closing firmly behind Lyle had such a final sound that Setsuna almost ran to the bathroom and shut himself in. Of course, he would do no such thing. He was not a child. He was a man and he would face this situation…which was right behind him where he refused to look.

"So," said the soft voice from behind, "where's your room?"

Setsuna said nothing. He stood, contemplating his options. What should he do? Should he send her out?

"Che," her voice sounded closer and soon she merged into his line of sight. She was very pretty and Setsuna's same height with high-heels on. She had beautiful lips, pale skin and soft brown eyes, but he felt no desire for her.

Smiling, she gently wrapped his hand in her own as if he were some frightened animal about to bolt at the slightest sign of aggression. She was probably right, though it was not aggression but her sensual gentility that unnerved him.

"It's okay," she said as she helped him off his jacket and scarf, throwing the garments on the couch carelessly. "Just relax."

Cecilia looked to the side, spotted something and pulled him towards it—his bedroom door, he noticed. Not that Cecilia knew it was his, she apparently decided it did not matter.

Everything after that was a haze, a confusion of dull sounds and lights. He sat on the soft mattress as the woman undressed in front of him, but he was not watching. Something was wrong. He did not want to be there. His stomach churned painfully. He was going to be sick.

The woman sat down next to him fully naked. She was all soft curves, great body, a slight tummy and smooth, beautiful skin. At a glance, he caught sight of her fully shaved crotch and quickly looked away. From his peripheral he saw breasts bounce as she lied down next to him on her elbows. He hand took his, and with that slow sensuality that unnerved him, she brought it up to a breast and that was what snapped him out of his terrified paralysis.

His father's voice rang in his ears as if he were right there, in that room, chastising him about how sacred women were. How they had to be protected not defiled; the values of loyalty and respect.

His mother's face was strangely vivid in his mind, as was her warm embrace around his tiny body, and he remembered her soft breasts as he was held to them, a feeling of pure bliss and safety enveloping him. In his mother's arms, he would understand his father's words. _Women were sacred. To be protected not defiled._

And suddenly he was in his little home that night, so late that most residents in town were asleep. His parents' worried questions, their pale, horrified faces when he pulled out a gun. A loud, deafening bang and his father's pained expression before it stiffened in death. His poor mother's trembling voice asking "why?" Two more echoing bangs and she was…

Gone. Everyone was gone. After years of fighting for a warmonger and a non-existent totalitarian God, he was the only one left, abandoned and ignored in the streets, sullied and shamed until he was picked up by Celestial Being where he would feel clean again.

Setsuna snatched his hand and stood swiftly. He glared at the woman fiercely and cried hoarsely, "Never touch me again!" He ran out of the room and the apartment altogether.

_Sex. _It was filthy and stupid. It serve only to breed and the global economic crises that started two hundred years ago was because of overpopulation. Earth did not have enough resources for everyone. The reason nations promoted war and started killing off the Middle East was population control, and who better to depopulate then backward nations? Humans needed to stop breeding, stop having sex. It was, in his day and age, meaningless.

The sun dipped behind the buildings to the west, taking with it any small bit of warmth, and the cold salty air bit into his face. He had forgotten his leather jacket and scarf and had on only his black skinny jeans, which he had recently exchanged for his traditional churidars, and a thin, long sleeve shirt out in the freezing weather of July. It was not important.

He had no idea where he was headed until he heard the distant soft rushing of the ocean from across the street, where it was hidden behind an expanse of tall dunes. The sky on that side was already turning dark, littered with faint stars.

He decided he would go to the beach and walk off his terrible childhood memories—something a woman's touch would by no means make him forget, but actually seemed to trigger. He turned his steps in that direction and ran across the street. Images and voices rushing through his mind, he did not bother to look for traffic when a sudden screeching jolted him back to reality.

The bumper of a car tapped against his leg as the car came into a sudden stop. His heart gave a painful jump and raced with the impacting realization of what had just occurred. Of what _could _have occurred.

He gasped, shaken and frozen on the spot. The driver burst out of the car.

"Are you alright?" the man asked, grabbing his upper arm painfully hard. "What the hell? Who runs into a street like that?" The voice was deep, throaty and familiar.

Setsuna looked up and met with a striking visage, its right side covered in half a mask to cover burn scars.

Shit! Setsuna cursed his own recklessness. It was Union officer Graham Aker, the man that had an obsession with his Gundam. The man's blue eyes suddenly blazed with angry recognition upon looking at Setsuna's face.

"_Boy!_"

Setsuna glared at the man, then trailed his maroon-brown eyes at the grip on his arm which he was sure was not going to release him any time soon.

Before they could make a scene that would expose Celestial Being's presence, Setsuna pushed the man into the car seat, trying to dislodge him. Graham Aker landed on the seat with a sharp gasp but refused to let go, and, being roughly pulled along, Setsuna ended up on his lap awkwardly.

"Let go."

"I don't think so."

"Look," Setsuna said with a sigh, "I'm not on a mission. Let's just part ways and-"

"Don't tell me what to do, boy" Aker's cut him of. "You're still the enemy."

Setsuna was growing quite self-conscious sitting on the older man's lap like a child. Inside the tight space of the car, sprawled gracelessly on the driver's seat, he had to lean down close to Graham Aker's face.

Fighting back the urge to squirm uncomfortably, he said, "We're causing a scene. You need to let go."

Aker sneered, looked over his shoulder at the honking line of vehicles, some swerving to the next lane and driving past shouting obscenities. Aker slew his head around, glaring and threw Setsuna further into the car.

Left without a choice as he was shoved further in, Setsuna shifted his lower body and dragged himself over to the passenger's seat. _Damn it_, he thought. This was not exactly his idea of a vacation; captured by the Union.

Still, he did not feel any ill intentions coming from Aker. If he had, he would have jumped out the door. No, they had settled the score in the past, their deal was over, and Graham Aker was an honorable man.

So what the hell did he want?

"Where are we going? And why are you taking me there?" On the plus side, Setsuna had a handgun holstered in his pants, covered by the dress shirt, and a smaller pistol strapped at is ankle.

"My place. Because there's no way I'm letting you go just like that, Celestial Being."

The man's voice was not sharp enough to hold any threat. Still, Setsuna prepared for the worst.

* * *

A/N 1: A review brought to my attention that some readers might misunderstand a few things. **Dragon on Top**, yes Setsuna is atheist. He does not believe in god and if I did not make that clear in this chapter, I will. However, the Muslim "conditioning" about women being sacred added with his remorse in having murdered his mother causes him to have issues with sexually loose women, not because Islam says it's a sin but because he himself sees his mother in women and wishes to do what he should have done from the start, respect and protect his mom. As for his "revulsion" towards Cecilia's advances...well that's because he's **gay**, not Muslim, my dear reader. He's sexually attracted to men though he's not realized it. So, NO, Sets isn't Muslim, he does not believe in god; simply that he still has issues with his Islamic past and his sexuality.

Author's note: Next update might take a while. I want to finish some other short stories I'm working on currently before I center my attention on this one. But I assure you it will continue. I DO NOT LEAVE UP STORIES THAT REMAIN UNFINISHED. And I have little respect for those who do; so again, rest assured this fic will be finished eventually.

However considering the wide time girth between early updates I suggest readers that are truly interested in reading more to subscribe! Newbies, that means press the arrow where it says **ADD Story to Favorites** and scroll down where it says **Add Story to Story Alert, **the press **go**. This will send a notification to your email when I put up the next chapter.

And for anonymous reviewers, if you don't want to check randomly, or forget about this story, write your email on the slot where it asks for it on the review window, that way I will personally send you notifications. I will also reply to any questions.


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